Or whatever else my family and friends have been calling this take over of my life. I feel like I'm in a prison or a mental institution, only I get to have all my clothes and the food (I would assume) is probably of a higher quality.

Here are the rules/guidelines that they have stuffed onto me:

1. I have to eat what they tell me when they tell me.

2. All food must run it's natural course after consumption. (That's a nice way of saying, don't throw it up daughter dearest.)

3. I am banned from going to any dance studio, and watching anything that has 'unhealthily skinny' women in it. (Slush must think that Center Stage started all of this.)

4. I must be supervised, especially during designated feeding times.

5. I have to meet with a therapist 3 times a week. The frequency can be adjusted as they see fit.

6. I have to meet with a nutritionist 3 times a week. Again, the frequency can be adjusted as they see fit.

7. Things such as laxatives, diet pills, etc. are not allowed in the house. (This one weirded me out, as I never really cheat like this anyways.)

8. Rules can be adjusted as needed. (In case I come up with a loophole.)

There have been threats to send me to the local "Recovery Resort" if I don't comply. Apparently they aren't as nice about things as my family is being, or so they say.

Deep down I know that this is in my best interests, and I understand where everyone is coming from. But I still don't know if I want it.

I still can't believe that something I loved so much launched me into such a state that I'm in now. My therapist says I need to stop thinking what could have been, and focus on me now. I'm finding it very difficult to give up on dreams that I've had since as far as I can remember.

I wish I didn't have to think so hard to function like I used to, back when I apparently was 'still healthy'.

Time for a force feeding.

-Tourma

I'm kind of glad that Nani came out again. It was getting kind of awkward with the GMFC parents coming out, but then again... There was an open invitation.

Besides, it's nice to have a chance at a female friend outside of family.

Fingers crossed!

She's coming over soon, so I should get ready. I'm so excited...

Recent development. Dari just showed his ass up. I thought he was in Europe...

WTF?!

Ugh, I have to handle this.

-Tourma

Apparently I can’t dance anymore unless I can find a partner who can easily haul my heavy ass around.

Fat fucking chance.

Until then I guess I have to just practice on my own or just feel like the odd girl out. It’d not my fault I have metal for bones and organs and whatever else.

Maybe I gained a little extra pudge over break, I was so busy I really didn’t have a chance to work out aside from teaching classes, fixing machines to sell, and helping the ‘rents out. I didn’t even go out much for that matter.

Bing’s about the only person outside the family that I’ve seen, and that’s because he’s actively saught me out. His roommate lost interest every since I got busy as well, which doesn’t help the self esteem.

At all.

Well, Mom’s calling me for dinner.

Too bad I’ve lost my appetite.

What have I learned after last night? Never to drink on an empty stomach, and that I very narrowly escaped death by father thanks to Bingen and Kelly. Bingen is another SM that I met last night, along with a kid named Jim. Both were around my age. Jim was kind of jumpy, and Bing was rather strange.

I remember we started drinking wine, Jim left and so Bing and I kept on going.

Apparently Bing stopped after a while, but I don't remember that. I do remember waking up on the couch with a blanket over me and a trashcan tucked under my arm. My cell phone was on the coffee table next to a glass of water and two aspirins. The note next to them informed me to drink and take those.

Oh, and then there was the throbbing pain in my head and the fact that I felt utterly disgusting.

Bing filled me in on the gaps when he saw I was awake and gingerly sitting up. Apparently I had done a bottle myself at least before I gave up to roll around on the floor in front of the fire...

While stripping layers off and complaining loudly.

Alcohol had turned me into Britney Spears: The Return. I wasn't sure whether I should vomit or cry in shame.

And yep, my clothes were stacked in a neat pile next to the couch, out of vomiting reaches. Wasn't Bing sweet? Considering he could have raped and pillaged, I felt really fucking lucky.

REALLY REALLY LUCKY.

Even luckier... I still had some of my clothes on. Go me!

I dressed the moment I was sure I wasn't going to puke some more. Bing offered me a grilled cheese sandwich... I think I turned green. I felt like ugly green, at least.

Ugh.

But anyways, he explained that he had used my phone to call Kelly and set up an alibi for me. Apparently I had mentioned something along the lines of...

WUH OH... DAAAADDDAY'S GONNA KEEEL MEEE! HE HE HEEE!

I deny it being a direct quote.

Damnit I need to get to work. Stupid little kids.

I have booooobs! It's glorious. They're not huge or anything, but the point is that I HAVE them.

Neener neener!

so i finally got a livejournal thingie because sanura told me this is a better way to keep my stuff from my siblings and parents. better than a handwritten journal at least. that and she said that itd help my typing and spelling (because of the spell checker and stuff). whatever, sanura knows everything there is to know about technology so i believe her.

ok, so i went to the clinic to get a birth control perscription and that woman doctor effing violated me! if i had known that that was what i had to do, then i wouldnt have gone in. at least i wont have to ever do that again.

im so pissed with this stay in the house crap. yeah, it's winter. yeah, it's cold. but god damnit don't treat me like a prisoner with frail health. im not going to die the moment i touch snow, or the moment the cold air even effing touches me.

i wish theyd stop treating me like a child sometimes.

i mean, i have breasts, the period, and ive even grown taller. those are not child qualities. *huff*

what else has been happening? the twins are still over at our house, which is good sometimes and bad others. its bad because it reminds all of us that the plague is still in full force, and that in turn causes mom and dad to be extra protective and make my life suck. but its good because they're both fun to hang around, and theyve been trying to make my indoor life more barable it seems. you can tell that theyre worried about their parents though, and thats depressing. i try not to think about it and just work on my bike and fixing things. dancing too has become stressful. im paranoid that by not going to my classes im getting horribly behind on everything. i hope not.

so i went christmas shopping the other day, or well i snuck out of the house and ended up at the mall shopping with another kid from the clinic. his name was nikodermis or something. probably spelled different but its not like he wrote it down for me or anything, so sounding it out it is.

we ended up chatting a bit, and i found out he goes to high school. id be lying if i said i wasnt the least bit jealous. sure i don't want to deal with all the horrible cliques that they show in the movies, but i also want to meet more people my age. and i want to learn from someone other than my parents and siblings. homeschooling is great and all, but i think ive reached my limits with it. that and i want to go to college some day like in the movies. maybe get some sort of degree either in dance or mechanics of stuff? ill have to research this.

but first a high school. ill talk to babcia first because shes the one who would pay for it if i went to a private school or something. maybe even a boarding school like in xmen? thatd be pretty cool, but i dont think mom or dad would really want me to leave them like... at all. D: neither of them went to college and im not ashamed of that, but i want to go. i want to see the world, or at least somewhere outside of gaia, ya know? maybe make friends outside of dance, the clinic, and family friends. not that theres anything wrong with them... just i want something different. something new and exciting.

yeah, i think ill talk to babcia first. its never bad to plan ahead and do research right? right.

chao